Thursday, December 27, 2012

Baguio Sci Camp - Doubting Feelings

I'm going back to Baguio! :) 2nd time! This time for my 4th year HS Sci-Camp! Heard more of my classmates will also camp this would surely be fun! :) I was sitting next to my closest girl friend she decided to be near the window so I am on the seat near the aisle which I'm not so comfortable with but it's ok I'll just sleep the whole bus ride. I think it would be 6-8 hours bus ride? I'm excited this time we will be the leaders of each group. Last year, we were just participants this time we will lead and guide batchmates and the lower batch students. :) Since the amount of students that will camp this year is more than last year some needed to sit at the foldable extra chair in the middle of the bus. He sat beside me it felt a little awkward knowing the guy on the right side somehow intended to sit near to me though I'm not sure what he thought about someone sitting in between of us and it's no big deal to me so I just let go of the thought away. So now all set, we are ready for Baguio! :) My favorite part in long trips is when we share snacks! First time I ate Ruffles, he told me it's his favorite it tasted like the saltiest chips I ate but oh well I'm fond of salty chips anyways haha! We shared snacks but I didn't want to eat a lot I'm a little nauseous during long rides. Until it's time to sleep to save some energy for the whole day activities on Day1. :) I felt a little uncomfortable because I was not on the window side and  a little colder than I expected good thing I have my jacket. Everyone was trying to sleep, just when I'm about to have my deep sleep he held my hand. I was left confused on why and what to do. Thinking about it he held it tighter my eyes were closed I was not sure what to do. Oh well, nobody sees it's under my jacket I'll just sleep it off maybe he will let go after some time? But then again, why?

At one point I think in the middle of some science activity I had time to tell my girl friend what happened. She was a little annoyed. "Ha? Bakit? Eh ano ginawa mo?" I was dumbfounded, "Ah, wala?" "Natulog?" "Hay nako ha may ganyan na syang factor." And so I thought oooppss maybe I really should have reacted. But did I not react or it really was my reaction? Whoops, don't even think about it. Not good to think about it. He's just a close friend maybe he's just also so comfortable with me? No malice? But I suddenly remembered when he first confessed his feelings to me one day during our third year high. No good. I think I'm starting to doubt my feelings?

The Long Jeepney Ride

3rd year. I think our whole school would be having an activity if I'm not mistaken there would be an intersection contest. I was supposed to ride the 1st jeepney with most of my classmates but H told me to have the next ride and wait for a few more minutes for my last classmate. Turned out our other classmate would still need a little more time he was still busy with some other stuff. So, we decided to go ahead. We were three that time. Me, H and another guy friend. We were heading to a friend's house to have some practice, don't really remember about what.

He kept on staring at me.
Feeling awkward I asked, "Huy! Ano? Bakit? May sasabihin ka?" 
He smiled and looked like he wanted to blurt out something but stocked.
And then the other guy laughed. "Hahahaha! Wala na kasing sabit eh no?"
"Ha??" I asked.
"Basted na si.. diba??" 
"So? Oo. Bakit?"
"Gusto kita eh."
"Seryoso ka? Hahahaha! Ewan ko sayo! Che! Hahaha!"

And then the whole jeepney ride was silent. I think he understood my reaction he did not bother to ask more about anything under the sun which we easily and normally do when we were together because we were so comfortable and we normally had free flowing conversations not until that day. I felt like the jeepney ride was taking too long or I just wanted to get out.

The second I stepped out of the jeepney, I felt like I don't want to have conversations with him for now or until tomorrow or until next week. Basta. Ayoko muna sya kausap. Alam naman nya na ayaw ko sa friendship na may halong feelings tapos gaganon ganon sya. Bahala sya. For some time, my girl friend noticed my actions why we looked like we don't get along well that for days so I told her then she understood right away. That's me, friendship over if feelings get mixed up.

For days or weeks he went to our house but I said some excuses that I can't let him in. Some days we did not talk, but I figured he's the friend I would like to keep so I decided to forget about what he said and act like he did not tell me anything. I think he felt the same way so in time we were comfortable again and talked about mostly about anything. He redirected his feelings to another person, he told me about it again and then everything went back to normal.

Less than a year - Turn the Pressure On

Less than a year. So many things to plan, to do, to execute. I want to do some of it but I feel like I want to do it when he's back already. Hmmm.. at least I did the first few steps, approach the priest that I really really really want to conduct our marriage. I got his number and the phone number I should call for wedding schedules. I also have the number of potential church where we would be married. I'm still thinking of having options but OLA is also special to us. We attended mass there when we were still starting in our relationship. So many prayers uttered that I want to keep and love him for the rest of my life inside that church. What else? Reception? Food Tasting? But which caterer? Entourage? Number of guests? What's our color motif? Perhaps a theme? So many ideas in mind but which idea to keep? I feel the pressure on. Less than a year before I walk down the aisle - I feel excited and there's the undefined feeling not sure what it is. Maybe I would know in less than a year? I just know I'm sure it would be lovely. But waaaaaaaaa!!! What would happen by then? No concrete plans yet. :( But hey he assured me last night, "Basta, ako bahala hon." And then I felt the pressure went down. :) Whatever it would be, surrounded by the relevant and significant people in our life, on the day we would both say our "I do". The details are just second to the important things. The most important detail is my groom, how I would walk slowly down the aisle looking at him "hopefully not crying, oh my make up!" haha! Basta, kahit san pa yan, kahit gano pa kasimple yan - ang importante ikaw ang groom ko. I'm.just.excited. :)