Baguio Sci Camp - Doubting Feelings

I'm going back to Baguio! :) 2nd time! This time for my 4th year HS Sci-Camp! Heard more of my classmates will also camp this would surely be fun! :) I was sitting next to my closest girl friend she decided to be near the window so I am on the seat near the aisle which I'm not so comfortable with but it's ok I'll just sleep the whole bus ride. I think it would be 6-8 hours bus ride? I'm excited this time we will be the leaders of each group. Last year, we were just participants this time we will lead and guide batchmates and the lower batch students. :) Since the amount of students that will camp this year is more than last year some needed to sit at the foldable extra chair in the middle of the bus. He sat beside me it felt a little awkward knowing the guy on the right side somehow intended to sit near to me though I'm not sure what he thought about someone sitting in between of us and it's no big deal to me so I just let go of the thought away. So now all set, we are ready for Baguio! :) My favorite part in long trips is when we share snacks! First time I ate Ruffles, he told me it's his favorite it tasted like the saltiest chips I ate but oh well I'm fond of salty chips anyways haha! We shared snacks but I didn't want to eat a lot I'm a little nauseous during long rides. Until it's time to sleep to save some energy for the whole day activities on Day1. :) I felt a little uncomfortable because I was not on the window side and  a little colder than I expected good thing I have my jacket. Everyone was trying to sleep, just when I'm about to have my deep sleep he held my hand. I was left confused on why and what to do. Thinking about it he held it tighter my eyes were closed I was not sure what to do. Oh well, nobody sees it's under my jacket I'll just sleep it off maybe he will let go after some time? But then again, why?

At one point I think in the middle of some science activity I had time to tell my girl friend what happened. She was a little annoyed. "Ha? Bakit? Eh ano ginawa mo?" I was dumbfounded, "Ah, wala?" "Natulog?" "Hay nako ha may ganyan na syang factor." And so I thought oooppss maybe I really should have reacted. But did I not react or it really was my reaction? Whoops, don't even think about it. Not good to think about it. He's just a close friend maybe he's just also so comfortable with me? No malice? But I suddenly remembered when he first confessed his feelings to me one day during our third year high. No good. I think I'm starting to doubt my feelings?

The Long Jeepney Ride

3rd year. I think our whole school would be having an activity if I'm not mistaken there would be an intersection contest. I was supposed to ride the 1st jeepney with most of my classmates but H told me to have the next ride and wait for a few more minutes for my last classmate. Turned out our other classmate would still need a little more time he was still busy with some other stuff. So, we decided to go ahead. We were three that time. Me, H and another guy friend. We were heading to a friend's house to have some practice, don't really remember about what.

He kept on staring at me.
Feeling awkward I asked, "Huy! Ano? Bakit? May sasabihin ka?" 
He smiled and looked like he wanted to blurt out something but stocked.
And then the other guy laughed. "Hahahaha! Wala na kasing sabit eh no?"
"Ha??" I asked.
"Basted na si.. diba??" 
"So? Oo. Bakit?"
"Gusto kita eh."
"Seryoso ka? Hahahaha! Ewan ko sayo! Che! Hahaha!"

And then the whole jeepney ride was silent. I think he understood my reaction he did not bother to ask more about anything under the sun which we easily and normally do when we were together because we were so comfortable and we normally had free flowing conversations not until that day. I felt like the jeepney ride was taking too long or I just wanted to get out.

The second I stepped out of the jeepney, I felt like I don't want to have conversations with him for now or until tomorrow or until next week. Basta. Ayoko muna sya kausap. Alam naman nya na ayaw ko sa friendship na may halong feelings tapos gaganon ganon sya. Bahala sya. For some time, my girl friend noticed my actions why we looked like we don't get along well that for days so I told her then she understood right away. That's me, friendship over if feelings get mixed up.

For days or weeks he went to our house but I said some excuses that I can't let him in. Some days we did not talk, but I figured he's the friend I would like to keep so I decided to forget about what he said and act like he did not tell me anything. I think he felt the same way so in time we were comfortable again and talked about mostly about anything. He redirected his feelings to another person, he told me about it again and then everything went back to normal.

Less than a year - Turn the Pressure On

Less than a year. So many things to plan, to do, to execute. I want to do some of it but I feel like I want to do it when he's back already. Hmmm.. at least I did the first few steps, approach the priest that I really really really want to conduct our marriage. I got his number and the phone number I should call for wedding schedules. I also have the number of potential church where we would be married. I'm still thinking of having options but OLA is also special to us. We attended mass there when we were still starting in our relationship. So many prayers uttered that I want to keep and love him for the rest of my life inside that church. What else? Reception? Food Tasting? But which caterer? Entourage? Number of guests? What's our color motif? Perhaps a theme? So many ideas in mind but which idea to keep? I feel the pressure on. Less than a year before I walk down the aisle - I feel excited and there's the undefined feeling not sure what it is. Maybe I would know in less than a year? I just know I'm sure it would be lovely. But waaaaaaaaa!!! What would happen by then? No concrete plans yet. :( But hey he assured me last night, "Basta, ako bahala hon." And then I felt the pressure went down. :) Whatever it would be, surrounded by the relevant and significant people in our life, on the day we would both say our "I do". The details are just second to the important things. The most important detail is my groom, how I would walk slowly down the aisle looking at him "hopefully not crying, oh my make up!" haha! Basta, kahit san pa yan, kahit gano pa kasimple yan - ang importante ikaw ang groom ko. I'm.just.excited. :)

My Heart Jumps

3.18.2012. Ecstatic. I still can't find the right words for the feeling I felt that night but it may be the closest. I had the most "heart jumps" I could ever have in a single night. I imagined it would be bliss and I would cry. But it was more than that; it was one the happiest and sweetest moments of my life. No, it was not the same as what you see in the movies. It was so far better than that, it was so real.

I was texted by K who is almost my sister if we only have the same mom. 

“Anteh, san ka?”
“Bahay gurla kakagising ko lang may lakad ba tayo? Kikilos na ko if meron, haha!”

“Am bored, let’s watch a movie.”

And then, I quickly prepped up got whatever clothes I’m comfortable to wear that afternoon. We watched Mirror, Mirror I am fond of fairy tales and I like colorful movies; yes still a child by heart. But something was wrong he was sleeping while I was enjoying the movie I think I pushed my friend for about 5 times just to wake up.

“Ok ka lang?? Natutulog ka sayang ticket!!!”

I understand he still haven’t gotten the beauty rest yet because we just had an overnight swimming we went home by 7am that day and then he headed straight to the Feast in PICC which we attend to every Sunday but I was so sleepy I needed to sleep right away so he went alone. We had dinner after watching the movie because I was complaining about my hungry tummy. I asked my friend why choose to watch a movie than sleep and rest I know my friend was awake for I think more than 24 hours by that time. My friend just said “I know!!! Basta!!!” And then we bought ice cream requested by my friend’s sister who just texted.By 9pm after eating dinner, we decided to go home when I got out of fx he also got out of fx,

“Huh?! Bakit ka pupunta samin?!”

“Basta, gusto ko mag- Hi kay Tita!!!” *Fishy fishy*

And then I saw 3 motorcycles near the gate but not in front of our gate but really looks familiar. I think those are H’s friends’ bikes? But no, why would they be here? And then I stepped inside our humble home,

*1^st heart jump* 

Mama shouted, “Surprise!!! Happy Birthday!!!”

“Wow may handa!!!” “As in??”

And then to my right, *2^nd heart jump*

One set of friends! “O, bakit kayo nandito???”

“Happy Birthday!!!” , “Nagulat ka ba?”

 ”Oo kaya! Sino nagpapunta sa inyo dito?”

“Si Mama mo. Weekday kasi bday mo so ngayon na lang ginawa.”

 “Ganon?? Si Mama talaga???”

I usually go straight to my room to change pambahay clothes but since friends are here for my birthday I stayed at the sala.

And then suddenly, *3^rd heart jump* one more group of friends from my room!!! This time with my cake! :)

“Happy Birthday!!!”

“Nandito rin kayo??!”

They got our camera and then I blowed the cake, “Wow, nandito kayong lahat!!!”

One friend asked, “Ano wish mo?”

“Secret!” *sana nandito si :’(*

“Nasan si H?”

“China.”

“Hindi ba sa Russia?”

“Hindi nasa China na sya.” ~sad deep inside~

My sister was smiling, and then I gave her a questioning stare and she just smiled away.

I was really thinking - I hope my H’s here it would be perfect. Wow, our closest friends are here to surprise me, this is so touching I should enjoy the moment. And then the phone rang, they were asking me to pick up the phone. *Ano to phone patch??! Wow ha? In fairness pwede rin Happy Birthday greeting from China. LOL!* But my friend picked it up first before I got near the phone. She was handing me the phone, but for some reasons I did not want to, I was feeling nervous. And then my sister got the phone, it was my cousin, “Mama, magpapaload daw!!!” *LOL!!! Assuming ka!!!*

And then the phone rang again, this time I picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

*4^th heart jump* “Hello hon! :) Balita ko may party ka dyan?”

“Nasan ka???” *ang pogi ng boses!!! Hoping he would pop out of nowhere but he told me it would still be a week before his flight*

“Nandito pa sa bridge nasa China port pa rin po kami.”

*Ok asa ka kasi* “Ah ok. Meron handa, nandito silang lahat. So talagang sa 24 pa uwi mo?”

“Sino nandyan?”

“Silang lahat, sina…….”

A friend asked, “si H yan??? Nasan na daw sya???”

I turned to my left to face my friend who asked. “Nasa bridge duty nya, nasa China.”

And then, for some reasons our friends were shouting or whatsoever. So I covered my ears so I could hear my boyfriend well.

And then he said, “Hon..”

“Hello?” *ang ingay*

“Hon! :)” 

For a moment I thought I heard his voice clearly like it was not just coming from the phone. But no, he reiterated he’s still in China at the bridge doing duties. Friends sounded like they were excited, what’s the matter?

*5^th heart jump* “Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!”

He was suddenly at my back!!!! Oh my gosh!!!!!! I knew it!!! I was so sure it’s not on the 24^th!!! He was hiding all along inside brothers' room. He was holding a bouquet of bougainvillea flowers which he got from our small tree, LOL!!! I so missed this humor!!! I was laughing and punching his shoulders asking him why didn't you tell me, and then realized the bigger picture…. *this is so sweet* I was speechless I couldn't say anything to him I was just smiling, looking at him, I missed him so much. He gathered everyone here to surprise me, I was about to cry when everyone said,

“Kiss!!! Kiss!!!”

“Ayoko nga!!!” *nakatingin kaya kayong lahat?!*

“Kiss daw hon!! :P”

Waaa I missed him, so much!!! :’) I missed this kulit voice, kulit make face. I really wanted to kiss him but I still have the senses that everyone was staring haha! So I just hugged him felt his lips at the top my head. We were hugging, staring, hugging and staring for maybe a few minutes. Our friends were kind enough to give us a moment to feel the “finally we’re together” moment.  I swear I was about to cry. *and I’m controlling my tears right this moment I’m typing this, errrr!!!* *ok breathe* Going back, my little brother handed him the microphone,

*Huh? Why give him the mic?*

And then someone said, “Speech, speech!”

He started to say some words, “Oh my gosh! Bakit ka magspeech?? Hahaha! Bakit ka magspeech??!”

“Eh gusto ko magspeech eh bakit ba?”

“Ganon?! Hahaha! Sige bahala ka!” And then my little brother gave me the other mic, *huh?!*

“Hon, mag 8 years na tayo… 50 to 60 years from now tayo pa rin…”

“Oh my..” Suddenly I felt cold sweats, cold hands, nervous, waaaa more of this and then I’ll have heart attack!!!  I’m sure he was feeling the same he was also sweaty. He even joked, “Akala ko madali lang to, nakakanerbyos pala!!!” And then a sound of laughter broke some of the ice. But it wasn’t enough, I said “Ako rin, ninenerbyos sayo!!!” *Ano ba!!! Ano ba to!!!* Both feeling nervous we just hugged and stared again and again and then when he looked like he could speak again…

*Heart stopper!* He got a small box inside his pocket, knelt down on one of his knees, opened the box I know he was still uttering some words but I was like in a different world I couldn’t understand any of what he was saying my hands were colder, I was just staring at him. If friends were telling me to say anything, that I’m not sure of, I did not hear any. Is this really happening right now? Can someone pinch me? Someone slap me? I’m sure it was a blank few seconds I was just staring at my man. Did he really ask me to marry him with everyone watching? Our friends and my family? Did they hear it as well? Is he really kneeling in front of me holding a precious box? Or I would wake up in 3, 2, 1…

“Hon? Yes or No?”

*Aaaahhh!!! Wait lang!!!*

Was I staring for too long now? “Y-y-y-yes-s-s-s” “Yes.”

In my imagination I could have shouted that word but no, it was stocked!!! I couldn’t say any word!!! My loud, kulit and talkative character were all washed away by the magical moment. This was the moment I should shout the big YES but I couldn’t say it in words but in my mind I was shouting, “YES!!!” I was feeling cold and a little numb or nervous whatever that feeling was good thing I was sitting if I was standing I’m sure I would ask for a seat that moment. Tears formed in my eyes while he was placing the ring to the rightful place. And then a kiss to seal the moment. :) I had the sweetest moment in my life I could not ever imagine. It was far far better than my imagination of how my feelings would be for the moment. Haha! Yes I imagined it already..  Who doesn’t, right? 

And then after giving us some time to breathe in the moment, our friends surrounded us  saying how happy they are for us.. gave us the handshakes, excited smiles and warm hugs.

All puzzle pieces complete now, why K pretended to be bored, whose motorbikes are those, why they kept on asking me when would H come back just so I would not think they know.

And I now have my fiancée beside me. :')

All these would never and could never happen if we were the only two persons who cares for this relationship. It’s so heartwarming to feel that there are more than just the two of us who is willing to invest effort, time and sweet memories for this bond we have. I may not be in the best look I could be for the moment but I wouldn’t want it any other way. The moment was so real, genuine, and authentic. I was so me and he was so he.

It’s so perfect; the memories were shared with our friends and family.  And I’m sure a part of my feelings was also felt by theirs. Happiest Birthday to me!!! Thank You God for giving us people like them as our blessings I really appreciate having them in our lives. You did not only give me a special someone to love, You also gave me friends and family to share with me a happy life! They are the best gifts you ever gave me.

While I was busy watching the movie some were busy at my back to surprise me. Going here and there to buy food, buy the cake and all else needed. Some had short notices but still went quickly to our house just not to miss my special moment, some haven’t slept yet, some has work early the next day but they did it all for me. A connivance of friends my spoiler powers failed to break. I love them all! *sniff sniff*

:’)

P.S. Papa was not here of course but he asked permission first from my Papa and Mama if they would allow him to ask me for marriage. Just Perfect. :')

Sigh.

I miss him... I just miss him. I miss the times I feel so special. Sigh. We're both busy I guess that's why this blog is dusty. He doesn't have time for any entry the reason why I don't want to blog anything here anymore. But , yes, I'm blogging down, I just miss him. :( Sigh. :(

The Awkward Blackout

Algebra time, if my memory does not fail me, last subject for the day. I was listening to our teacher when my eyes began to see blackouts. I thought my eyes were just failing me cause I did not wear my glasses. But then, I felt heavy on my chest and it was hard to breathe. Ok, just close your eyes and then breathe slowly maybe you're just dead tired of all the lessons for the day. But then, I felt cold and then my classmate in front of me looked at me maybe because she heard my heavy breathing, "Waaa!!! Ang putla mo!!!" And then I couldn't find my energy to respond back. My classmate told our teacher, and I was told go to the clinic. "Ayoko po.", was the response I could only say because firstly I didn't want to go to the clinic besides it's only a few minutes more until dismissal and secondly I don't have the energy to walk to the clinic even if I wanted to. And then our health officer approached me so she could accompany me to the clinic, suddenly I could hear bees around me. I couldn't understand any of the words they were saying, I was not sure if they were talking to me or they were talking to each other. As soon as I tried to walk my knees were too weak I managed to go out of our classroom but on the middle of the walk to the clinic which seemed so far that time I think I almost fainted, did someone catch me? Yes, someone helped me and carried me to the clinic... For a few seconds, he carried me but as soon as I realized what was happening... Ooopppss awkward! "Wait lang, wait lang kaya ko na maglakad." But really, thanks to you, you're really such a good friend and my hero for the day. And wow, of all who has concern you were the 1st who stood up to carry me, thanks friend. =)

Oo o Hindi?

3rd Year. Kamote, mas magaling pala sakin to sa Math! Kaya naman pala nalipat samin, yun naman, ok fine! Nagtataas pa ng kamay para magbigay ng sariling formula! Minsan nga ang epal na eh! Nang-aagaw ng eksena habang nagtuturo teacher namin. Nangugulo ng formula ang hirap na nga ginugulo pa! Pero di naman umabot sa Division level sa Math Quiz Bees nung elementary days kaya di kami nagkita haha! Pero wag ka seryoso to magmahal, hmmm.. crush lang HS pa lang eh.. nakita ko na to umiyak dahil sa crush haha! Kwentuhan namin tungkol sa crush nya ako taga-tawa lang. May time pa, pag nakakasalubong namin crush nya kunwari di nya kilala para raw di sya masaktan ok pagbigyan pero paglampas pwede na ko tumawa hahaha! Sus seryoso masyado! Ako nga sabi ko sakanya ayoko magkabf ng hs pa lang eh! Eh kasi sa nakikita ko parang laro lang sa iba ayoko ng ganon kahit makulit ako kahit hindi ako mukhang nagseseryoso sa mga bagay pag nagkabf ako buhos to kung buhos noh! Hanggang crush at silay lang ako. At saka ayoko ng classmate na manliligaw nakakailang, o kaya pag nalaman ko na crush ako hindi na ko masyado nakikipagkwentuhan, ayoko din yung close friend ko na lalaki may gusto sakin. Hindi kasi sya yung una kong kaclose na lalaki meron pa nauna nung 1^st year kaso nahaluan ng ibang bagay eh. Kahit ako yata non tinablan eh bawal bata pa ko kaya iwas na lang muna sa mga ganon na feelings hehe! Alam nya lahat yun sinasabi ko rin sakanya mga gusto at ayaw ko sa lalaki pag nanliligaw o kaya nagpaparamdam. Alam din nya kung ano gusto ko sa lalaki gusto ko malinis tignan saka may angas! Saka plus factor yung marunong maggitara! :) Pero parang may bubuwag sa promise ko sa sarili ko na ayoko ng bf ng hs kasi hindi na lang sya ngayon tumintingin sa labas ako rin may tinitignan sa labas may naghihintay sakin, maangas, hindi ko kaklase, marunong maggitara, matalino. Gusto ko sya, gusto nya ko. Parang super qualified eh! Pero ready na ba ko? Sasagutin ko na ba sya? Sya na ba?